


The Satirist’s Love Song

by orphan_account



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M, basically au where they all go to hs together and light/misa/mikami r all still kira, higuchi doesnt exist fuck that guy, homophobia but only from light, matt is the gay best friend but haha joke’s on him theyre ALL gay, matt is trans and L is nb. i know this my dad invented death note, misa and mello are siblings, neil cicierega is my sole insp for titles i just look at a lemon demon song and go “my title now”, so are L and BB, there Will be remisa but i have no idea how to insert the shinigami, watch my next fic be titled hip hop cherry pop or smth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 06:03:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20187481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I cannot write this without sounding cliche. It’s a Mello/Near fake dating AU. That’s it.





	The Satirist’s Love Song

Mello had always been viewed as the better sibling when compared to his sister Misa, and even that hadn’t changed when he had come out as gay. A few people had reacted strangely, like the ever-popular Light Yagami, and his girlfriend Kiyomi Takada, which is why he had been shunned socially afterwards. Nobody really hated him for it or even took notice until Light frowned even in the slightest, because he was the resident highschool god. Thus, he was somewhat outcast by most people. Misa’s friends tolerated him in the slightest, because they didn’t want to be on bad terms with their “Misa-Misa,” and Matt didn’t care too much, because he was gay too, so he wasn’t particularly bothered by this.

But what did get under his skin was the fact that he was now slipping. Prior to his coming out, he had placed first in the grade, and had the top marks. But afterwards, someone else was in first, which rubbed him worse than any homophobic comment would. He couldn’t prove that it was directly linked to his coming out, but he could have only figured as much. Maybe the stress of it was getting to him, but he couldn’t tell. Matt, who was bumped into third, was Mello’s polar opposite: he couldn’t care less, and he couldn’t give enough of a shit to really try. 

They were both sitting on Mello’s couch, playing Super Smash Bros. on Matt’s Gamecube, close enough together for him to feel Matt move his arms whenever he tried to smack Mello off the map. This was the one place where he had accepted he would come second, because even when Matt wasn’t trying, he had a lot of skill, especially in things that interested him. If he cared just a little bit more about school, he could wipe the floor with the blonde’s ass.

“So,” Mello began, eyes glued to the screen. He had lost yet another match to Matt, “What do you think of the new kid?”

“What, you mean the one that showed up your hardworking ass two weeks after he came?” He remarked, shifting the cigarette in his mouth around to speak. He tensed up at Matt’s words.

“Yeah, that prick. And Matt, get that shit out of your mouth. You shouldn’t smoke while wearing your binder, even though it’s funny watching you cough.” He turned to face the other boy, and reached to pull the cigarette out of Matt’s mouth, but he ducked before Mello could reach his face.

“Wow, Mells, you’re some kind of sadist.” Matt shrugged, using this as an opportunity to knock Mello’s character off the ledge. “Anyways, I don’t know... Near? I think that was his name? Some shit like that, and I talked to him a total of once. He just said something like: ‘Oh man, this class is really easy, I didn’t try at all, but... I think Mello is so hot I really want to suck him off, and maybe passionately hold han-’”

As someone who wasn’t known for their gentle nature, Mello reacted in the way he felt most logical, which was punching Matt, hard enough that he fell off the couch, which had been far from intentional. His goggles, which had been resting in their usual spot over his eyes, had fallen down around his neck, and the controller had hit the ground just as hard as he had. The back had popped off and the batteries had fallen out, and scattered into the carpet. Matt shot him a look of contempt from the floor, but it didn’t really mean anything to either of them, both used to his tendency to take things too far too easily. Besides, Matt was more of a follower anyways, and he wouldn’t leave Mello, even if he knew it would probably lead him to his death one day.

___

Near was used the frequent moving, but this time his dads promised that it would be permanent, or at the least, they would be there for the longest, but he didn’t really care, as there was nothing in particular for him to leave behind. He wasn’t the sociable type, finding that most people weren’t even close to his intellectual level regardless, which wasn’t his problem. Admittedly, his dads had wanted him to make friends this time, but he couldn’t find anything potentially working out for him. 

There were two people Near had decided to consider befriending, the second and third places- he knew he would get first, he’d never struggled with anything academically in his entire life, so when it came to the results, he just hid off to the side in an attempt to investigate. But second place, who had held his place just yesterday, had damn near a fit, and although Near wasn’t one to judge on looks (come on, he only ever wore pajamas, even to school), he could not see himself befriending anyone who wore as much leather as this certain kid. Who he presumed to be now third place seemed much more reasonable, but god, was their fashion sense much worse.

Bright orange goggles, the shit you would find at a ski resort obscured their face, which was already covered by locks of choppily-cut dyed red hair, like it was cut by themself. Not only this, but they decided to wear jeans that were ripped to hell, and a striped shirt, covered by a fur vest. A fucking vest. It honestly kind of bothered him, how two people who looked so different could act like friends. Actually, from the way the two of them acted towards each other, Near couldn’t have even said they were, for certain, friends.

The curiosity from that piqued enough interest from him to go talk to the guy with the goggles, because he figured that there was a less likely chance of him being killed by him. When the blonde left the table, yelling something he couldn’t make out, Near figured it would be his only opportunity, and he slid down into the seat that had just previously been occupied.

“Jeez, Mells, I thought you would have taken longer. That was three seconds, tops.” The red-haired kid remarked, not looking up from his game. Near cleared his throat, unsure of what to say, which, after a large pause, lead his gaze up from the 3Ds. “Oh, shit! Who the fuck are you?”

“I’m Naaa… Near. I’m Near.” He replied plainly, embarrassed that his legal name had almost slipped out. It didn’t take long for his anxious habit, curling his hair around his fingers, to occur. He didn’t say anything for a second before bursting into laughter.

“So you’re the one that scored higher than Mello, huh?” He hesitated yet again, before adding: “I’m Matt. Mello was my friend. The bitch in leather, the one that threw a fucking fit when he saw the scores this morning… Man, I didn’t see you there, I’m sorry you missed it.” Matt didn’t look very sorry.

“That’s okay. Honestly, he’s very intimidating.” Matt shrugged, his attention back on the game.

“Yeah, that’s Mells for you. He’s a prick, but I love him anyways.” Near honestly didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t used to holding conversations this long, unless the primary topic was education. That wasn’t to say, however, that Matt didn’t drag it on for longer than its worth.

____

“Hello, Near.” His quiet reflection of his meeting with Matt was nearly finished as Roger, one of his two dads entered the room. “How was your day?”

“Alright, I suppose, and no, before you ask, I haven’t made any friends yet.” Roger sighed, so Near decided to add on: “But I did talk to a guy. His name was Matt, and he placed third.” He shifted from holding his weight on his left foot to the right.

“Anything else about him?” They both knew that even if Near wasn’t friends with him, he probably would have noticed more than simply the fact that he was third.

“He liked to play video games, and was nicer than second.” No more elaboration was provided, and Roger, seeming somewhat satisfied with this answer, turned away.

He left Near to his own devices in his room, and he promptly picked up a robot and began to toy around with the individual parts, sitting himself back on his bed. It was stupid, even to him, but it didn’t stop him from playing with toys now. He was never certain on the reason, and he had heard Roger telling Watari one night that he assumed that Near liked the toys so much because he’d never had a proper childhood, and wanted to make up for it now, which made the most sense to him, so the white-haired boy had settled for that.

Typically, he could play with his toys for hours on end, but today he felt particularly restless. He climbed out of his messy bed, leaving the soft white sheets for the cool wood floor, which could be felt through his socks. Avoiding the spare toys he’d left on the ground, Near walked slowly from his room, though he had no idea what he was looking for: perhaps one of his siblings. 

L might be home at this hour, he reasoned, and walked into his older brother’s room. It was shared between him and his twin, B; Near most likely got his own space because he was the youngest, at fifteen. Of the two, he honestly preferred L, though he found them both far from the best influences. Not a person in their “family” had any social skills whatsoever, which is why Watari and Roger tried to encourage him to get along with others, but it was pointless, and seemed to be genetic at this point, which was odd in itself because nobody in their family shared blood except for L and B.

He was thinking too deeply about it, which made him realize that there was nobody in there. Either L had suddenly decided that a case was worth risking his neck, or he was in the kitchen. Near, who was bored out of his mind, hoped for the latter, despite knowing that the former was much more plausible for someone like him.

As a person who wasn’t the type to eat often, the kitchen was typically avoided by Near, but sometimes it was nice to get a glass of water, or something of that nature. He found excuses piling up in his head as to why he would be in the kitchen if L wasn’t there, for no specific reason, but there hadn’t been any reason for him to worry: the black-haired detective sat at the counter, examining papers. He sat in the typical position that could be comparable to nothing but a frog, and the bags under his eyes were especially prominent. His gaze shifted up to Near, and he nodded slightly, before returning to the documents before him.

“Hello.” He nodded back, somewhat awkwardly. His sibling was someone that he aspired to be: a great detective, at only the age of 18. While everyone in their family, (B, L, and himself) were legally geniuses, only L was treated as such. B was still in school, and so was he. But he was a great, no, the top detective in the country.

“Did you want something?” He asked. “No, wait, let me guess. You noticed that I’m here, and since I’m the only one in the house that ever has candy. You want some too, I presume.” A handful was held out to Near, with L’s typical asocial nature fronting. However unnatural it may have been for someone like him, he hadn’t even noticed the varied candies scattered amongst his sibling’s work.

“I’m alright.” He affirmed, pushing L’s hand back towards him. “I’m not particularly fond of candy.” Surprising that he still couldn’t pick up on the fact that the only reason why he was the only one with candy was because he was the only one thst liked it.

“More for me, then.” L retorted, focus shifting back to his work. “So, was there anything else?”

Yes, Near wanted to say, I’m an antisocial loser who can hardly hold a conversation. I still play with toys and no matter how smart I am, I’ll never surpass you or even come close. Oh, and now I’m being hunted down for my intellect by some heathen in leather and his gamer best friend. How do you manage?

But he didn’t say shit, simply said no, and left, because as previously mentioned, he could not hold a conversation, and that was that on L. Even if he knew he wouldn’t see him for weeks, or perhaps months, there wasn’t anything else he really could find himself saying. So nothing was said, and there was no reason for anything like that in the first place anyways.  
___

Mello stared up at the ceiling of the room he shared with Misa, who wasn’t there at the moment. He glanced in the general direction of her bed, to find it empty, which was becoming a trend he noticed happened more and more recently. It wasn’t as if he was lonely, especially because Matt was lying on a cot right next to him. It was only around one AM, and he was already fast asleep, even with his insomnia.

He sighed, leaning back on his pillow, and found that inside, he was still upset about the examination’s results. Whoever Near was, he clearly didn’t have to work for his talent, which drove Mello absolutely batshit. The blonde had spent countless hours working and studying, hoping that he would be able to finally prove that he was worth it, that there was potential in him to be successful, unlike every other member of his family, even Misa, who was a model. Mello knew, with a twinge of loathing, that she didn’t have to work very hard for her looks.

His life had been largely stressful up until this point, but he kept going knowing that his work was paying off. Now it wasn’t, someone had surpassed his years of work with ease, and he wanted to cry. Mello was the type to cry out of anger and frustration, but he refused to cry in front of Matt, even if the other boy wouldn’t be awake when the event occurred.

Despite the fact that they were best friends, and thought of as boyfriends by most other people, Mello tried to make it a point of establishing that he was better than Matt. He knew that his best friend was smarter than him, but put no effort forth. This new kid, Near, must have been the same way, as there was no way for the gap to be closed in such little time. The gap that he had been building between himself and every single one of his classmates, minus Matt, for years and years, instantly gone, by the hand of one person within two weeks. God, he could almost actually cry.

At this point, he was almost too tired to care, but nothing came anyways, which made him even angrier.

Sucks to suck, I guess.  
____

Matt woke up on that particular Saturday before Mello did, which was saying something, because he got out of bed at seven every morning, no matter how bad his depression was. He found the other boy slouched over on the couch, looking as tired as he could with his goggles obscuring his eyes. Mello sat next to him and watched in silence, a mixture of exhaustion and depression keeping him silent.

The unusually quiet morning was interrupted by Misa’s return back to their house. For someone that was supposed to be Mello’s legal guardian, she spent about ten minutes a day at their house, and even less of that time was spent talking to him.

“Aww, you two are so cute.” She gushed, exhibiting her typical clueless nature.

“What the fuck,” Mello began, easily flustered. “We’re not together, or anything.”

“Yeah,” Matt chimed in, snickering. “He’s already got a boyfriend. I’m just the side hoe.” Mello hit him in the arm, hard. Again. Matt was hardly a wimp, but he nearly dropped the controller in his hands.

“What? And you didn’t tell me! Who is he?” Misa almost screamed, pouting. Matt answered before Mello could say anything.

“Geez, Mells, I thought you told her?” He elbowed his best friend playfully, but definitely enough for it to hurt, before turning his attention back to Mello’s older sister without looking up the TV screen. “Anyways, it’s the new kid in our grade, Near. Don’t say shit, though. Mr. Sex over here doesn’t want him outed.” Misa nodded, smiling. They could both tell that she was about to ask to meet him, but her phone, or at the very least, one of them, rang.

“Oh shit. Sorry, I have to go.. I’ll be back tonight~!” She yelled as she left the room, covering her receiver; she was now in a conversation with her manager, who was probably tired of her shit by this point.

As soon as they were certain Misa was gone, Matt looked up from his game for the first time and shot an apologetic smile at Mello, only half meaning it. It went unreturned, and he swallowed, hard. He had wanted to get back at his best friend for… Essentially everything, but he knew he was going to die before that was possible.

“What the fuck was that?” He almost screamed, trying to suppress his anger. Matt slunk back, half satisfied, and half terrified of what was going to happen.

“You hit me first, Mells. Don’t think that I don’t remember what you do.” He kept his focus on the game, and the blonde could tell that he was mildly miffed at best.  
“That was excessive.” He nearly growled, truly letting loose his internal feral animal.

“Calm your tits,” Matt said, giving a sheepish look in his direction. “I’ve got his Discord and-”

“You have his fucking Discord tag?”

“Yeah, yeah, I told you I talked to him.” Mello’s accusatory glare said it all: I know you talked to him, but I didn’t think you got close enough to him to score his Discord, or that he was even the type to use it. Matt mentally cringed at himself.

___

Ten minutes later, Matt found himself still on Mello’s couch, this time with the console turned off, and anticipating Near. He had lied and claimed that they were meeting at “his house,” which wasn’t entirely untrue, considering the fact that he spent more time at the blonde’s than he did his own. It almost made him feel bad, especially because he agreed, but Matt didn’t let himself get shaken by something so small. Besides, he had to work this out, considering that he had run his mouth on Mello’s behalf.

There was a knock on the door, and Matt stood up to let Near in.

“Hey.” Near nodded to acknowledge him, and that was all. Mello sat on the same couch that Matt had just been on, and shot him a look. He knew that Near already knew what he looked like, but this was Mello’s first time ever seeing the other boy face-to face. It was almost one hundred percent certain that he was insulting Near via his inner monologue. Near didn’t often change the apathetic look on his face, but upon seeing his rival, his eyes widened ever so slightly.

“Matt,” The smaller boy began, twisting a lock of white hair between his small fingers. “I believe you forgot to tell me that someone else was here.”

“No, he didn’t. I’m Mello, if you didn’t know.” The blonde stood up to his full height, flexing the seven inches he held over Near. “We need your help.”

The both of them attempted to explain the situation, in its entirety. When they finished, Near’s face hadn’t changed, but Matt figured they had done a pretty convincing job.  
“Anyways, Misa would probably want us to come out to the school, and if you’re not gay, scratch that. Because you’re not gay, you could just say you were experimenting, or something. Also, it would be good for establishing that Matt and I aren’t together, because we aren’t.”

“Really?” Near snapping, cutting him off; speaking for the first time since their shitty attempts began. “You’re not together? I’m not gay? I couldn’t tell. This is foolish, nobody will fall for it. Besides, is there any benefit to me in this scenario? This seems like something that helps the both of you, but not me.”

Both now clearly stressed, Mello more visibly so than Matt, they shared a look.

“Near, Misa is never going to-” Mello began, but he was cut off by Matt.

“So you are gay?” He would have broken down laughing if he didn’t know that the blonde would kill him if it happened. 

“God, I never said I wouldn’t do it. I was just pointing out the obvious flaws you overlooked. Sure, I’ll fake date you, Mello.” He smirked slightly, completely disregarding Matt’s question, and relished knowing that the blonde, although relieved that he would get his sister off his ass, wouldn’t enjoy a second of it. Honestly, Near enjoyed watching him squirm, though he wouldn’t admit it to himself.

It turned out that between the three of them, they all weren’t quite certain on how a relationship really worked, Near especially. Matt didn’t care enough to know, Near lacked any prior experience, and Mello wouldn’t help, even though he was the one that needed a fake boyfriend in the first place.

“This isn’t going to work, can’t you two just hold hands or something?” He whined, exasperated from the antics of his best friend and his best friend’s (fake) boyfriend. Mello glared at him, before grabbing Near’s pale hand, squeezing it tightly.

“Is this good enough for you?” Mello scowled, contempt in his eyes, tight grip only getting tighter by the second. Matt disregarded this entirely.

“Okay, yeah, you two look… Like you’re holding hands. That’s probably the best you guys can do, anyways. Unless you wanna kiss or something.” He shrugged, and unlike Mello had completely regained his neutral composure. Between the three of them, if one approached them they would give off the impression of a trio of completely apathetic people. It would be true, if Mello’s emotional nature didn’t get the best of him, like it was doing now.

“Matt?”

“Yeah? Fuck?”

“I think you’ve done enough here. You should probably go home.” Mello knew it probably wasn’t the best thing he could have said: Matt hated his parents. But that was kind of the point, and he was, for once, pissed enough to throw him out.

“Alright. That’s fair.” Like that, he was out the door.

The newly made duo began to discuss their plans, which was more of Mello explaining their supposed story of meeting and all other things they needed to keep consistent, while Near stared at him blankly. This continued for a while, before Near finally gave the blonde some insight to his thoughts.

“That was a shitty thing to do.”

“What? What do you mean?” Mello paused mid sentence, finally dropping Near’s hand. He couldn’t have helped but feel a little disappointed, as he hadn’t held hands with someone ever in his life, and Mello’s hands were strong, and warm. Near might have actually enjoyed it if the hands hadn’t belonged to someone who clearly thought of him as a rival, but he digressed.

“Yes, Matt fucked up,” He twirled a lock of soft, white hair around his small fingers. Mello couldn’t help but wonder how it might have felt. “But he was trying to fix his mistake, you know. Because he cares about you and all that.” Near gestured with his other hand, which was mostly some vague waving. Mello, who the other boy could only assumed had been warming up to him as best he could, shot him a cold glance, and he could feel all of his desire to be pleasant, which had been minimal to begin with, leeching out of him.

“What I say to my friends doesn’t matter to you.” He shot back after a brief pause, and Near knew he had needed to take a second to think over his response.

___

“We should go out somewhere,” Near lamented, half an hour later. “For practice. We also might meet someone who knows your sister, so they can verify our story.”

The blonde took a second to process this, and then scoffed.

“You sound almost eager to go on our first fake date. Don’t get any real ideas. I might be gay, but past that I have pretty high standards.”

“Do they involve having a partner that’s inferior to you?” He replied, full intent on shutting Mello down.

“I… Shut up, Near.” He turned away, and fell back on the couch, sitting with his head resting on his knees. He remained silent, but sat down next to Mello, one leg up and the other down. Matt had done a shit job of picking out a fake boyfriend, and he had to commend how well he’d set up his best friend for failure.

They could hardly work together, and he wanted to meet with Misa that night, as that way he could get it over with, but the more he thought about it, Mello knew it wouldn’t work out. The two were too different- none of that “opposites attract” bullshit. They were just incompatible, as he couldn’t stand Near’s attitude, nor that he was better than him. On the other hand, it hardly affected the other boy.

After about four hours, Misa was home, and Mello was hardly prepared for any of the shit that he may have to come up with, despite the amount of time he’d had to work on it. They had both agreed that he would take the initiative, and Near was competent enough to remember whatever shitty story he came up with.

“Hi-hi~!” Her overly cheerful greeting led him to believe she was drunk, which wasn’t common. There must have been some underlying problem, but it wasn’t his focus at the moment. He could hear Near, to his right, make a quiet choking noise, which could be expected- she was a model. He couldn’t help but feel but a bit upset by it, though.

“Hello.” He responded, and the room stayed silent.

“Oh,” Misa began, cutting through the tension, looking directly at Near. “I don’t know who you are… Is your name, uh… N… Na? Mells, help me out here.”

“Yeah, it’s Near.” Mello supplied, with a bite in his tone. His sister clearly didn’t take the hint, however.

“So you’re his boyfriend!” Misa squealed, a grin spreading across her face, as she extended a hand to Near, who shook it as quickly as possible. She stepped back, tilting her head to examine them, soft blonde hair falling over her face. “God, you two are cute together.”

Neither knew how to respond, and they shared a glance. Maybe the situation would be easier to deal with than they had previously thought. This idea was, unfortunately, proven false when she exclaimed that the three of them should go get dinner, so she could learn all of the details. Mello could feel Near tense next to him as the idea was proposed, but there were no verbal objections. Thus, they found themselves holding hands, sitting directly next to each other at a McDonalds, Misa staring across the table.

“So, how long have you guys been together? Who else knows? Is Matt jealous?” She giggled at the last one, taking a sip of her soda. They had all ordered, but not one person ate. Mello was more focused on the feeling of Near’s hand in his, and even though he still envied him deeply for being better, he wasn’t certain he could say he completely hated him. 

“About a week, nobody but you and Matt, and no.”

“... Because he was never with him.” Near said, softly. Neither Mello nor Misa had expected him to talk, and it was the first time he’d said anything that night.

“Oh, so you can talk, huh.” Misa remarked, more to herself than anyone there. Mello shot her a look, but she disregarded him completely. “What’s he like?” She gestured vaguely at her brother.

“He’s great. You know, I think I may truly be in love with him.” Near replied, looking her in the eyes, and he could almost fool Mello with his performance. She let out an excited squeak at his words- since her brother had come out, he never expressed any interest in pursuing anyone romantically, and if he found an individual that he could have been into, most guys wouldn’t reciprocate.

“That’s so sweet!” She leaned across the table, and gave him a kiss on the cheek, Mello’s stomach nearly churned, and he was glad to see Near recoil slightly from her touch.

Misa didn’t notice, or simply pretended to, as she was good at defusing awkward situations when she could pick up on them, which wasn’t often. 

“Hm… Alright, this may be intrusive, but have you two kissed yet? How much have y’all done, even if it’s only been like, a week?” Her face looked slightly sorry, but they could all hear her giggle. Neither responded, and they all sat in silence. After long enough of Misa staring at them, he decided that he was done.

Mello stood up, brushing himself off, and looked coldly at his sister. Near, who was considerably shorter than him, was forced up. Their food sat, untouched, and Misa shot them a pouty look.

“We’re done here.” He jerked Near along with him as they began to leave, tightening his grip on the white haired boy’s hand as they walked out. Misa began to protest behind them, but both of them disregarded her. Mello considered turning back to her, while they were in the parking lot, as she had the keys, but his rival turned fake boyfriend was prepared.

“Hello, Roger? Yes, I’m out with… A friend, and we would like to be picked up.” He twirled a lock of his hair around a finger, awaiting a response. “Ah, I see. That’s fine then; we can walk.” He hung up the phone and turned to face Mello, soft in the pale glow of the streetlights. The expression on his face said it all, and he looked at him with a blank gaze that said ‘you heard, didn’t you?’ He had.

They walked home in silence initially, still holding hands. Mello forgot to let go, Near reasoned, and he had been correct: Mello had forgotten entirely- it felt almost natural to him. Eventually, he felt it would be best to come up with a plan.

“So, Mello, what do you want to do? My house is always open, if you don’t want to see her.” Near mentally cringed at his words, but outwardly expressed no emotions.

“No.” He responded quickly. “You may have forgotten, but I won’t get over it so quickly, Near. I view you as nothing more than an academic rival. I want nothing to do with you other than this, and I won’t be satisfied until I’ve beat you.” 

Near nodded. He was almost glad, because he wasn’t sure how anyone in his family would react. It wasn’t because they had anything against LGBT people; he literally had two dads, and L was nonbinary. The issue was more of being with someone like Mello, someone with all the emotions he lacked, and for fuck’s sake, he wore nothing but leather. Both of his dads had told him that they wouldn’t care if he brought someone home at that point, but he felt like Mello might make an exception to what they said.

They continued on, and though neither spoke, Mello silently agreed to follow Near back to his house. Eventually, after about twenty minutes, he stopped, and turned to face the blonde.

“Good night, Mello. I enjoyed our date.” Again, no expression passed his face, but his eyes taunted him ever so slightly. The other boy scoffed, and hesitated before lightly kissing his cheek.

“Shut up, Near.” Finally betraying his apathetic demeanor, Near visibly looked flustered, and turned a soft shade of pink. Mello couldn’t help but laugh- he had finally found the other boy’s weak point.  
___

It was just Near’s luck, that after he entered his house, he discovered B had been waiting for him, or anyone, in that case, to come home. He sat like a frog on the couch, looking exactly like L, and from his face, the white haired boy could tell that his brother had seen the whole thing.

“Damn, Natey, I didn’t know you were into those kinds of guys.” He cackled, already expressing his difference from his twin. “Of course, I didn’t think you were gay either- or that you’d already have a boyfriend within two weeks of relocating. God, how horny are you?”

“It’s Near, and yes, that is my boyfriend.” He paused, and then added: “Don’t tell Roger, or Watari, for that matter.”

“Yeah, yeah, you guys and your nicknames. It doesn’t matter, at least your name isn’t as bad as mine.” Beyond shrugged. “Anyways, I wasn’t planning on it, so long as you take the shaft for using the last of the jam.”

“Fine.” He stated, and turned to go to his room, but was stopped by B’s next set of words.

“Hey… Where are you going? I want to hear about your boyfriend.”

“Okay, fine.” He sat down on the floor, and B dropped down to squat next to him. It always struck him as odd how B and L were so alike in every way, sans their personalities, but even those were somewhat similar too. His brother just had much more motivation, while the other lacked the same defining trait, but at the same time, he knew that L wasn’t motivated at all. Every aspect of themselves conflicted, which made them both the same and polar opposites. If he wasn’t as smart as he was, Near would have been incredibly perplexed.

“So this guy. What’s his name?” Beyond raised an eyebrow.

“Mello.” Near replied, to which his brother made a face.

“Tell your boyfriend his name is shit,” Beyond Birthday replied, “And what’s he like? The dude looks like he goes to school approximately two days of the whole year.”

“It’s not like that.” He began to twirl a lock of his now messy white hair between his fingers. “He’s the top of the grade- or was.”

“Let me guess, you took his place?” Near nodded in response to B’s words.

“He was… upset. But he got over it, and we talked. Despite what you may think, we have a lot in common.”

“Like what?” Shit, Near had no idea, and he wasn’t exactly competent in his lying. He decided to go with the only logical conclusion that he had more or less guessed on; Mello was a difficult person to read, even for someone built for it like himself.

“Well, to begin, we both have annoying siblings.” He turned and looked directly into B’s eyes as he spoke. “But we’re both smart people, and he doesn’t mind the whole playing with toys even though I’m fifteen thing. He also wants to become a detective, or at the very least investigate. We both want to be the best, but he has to work for it, while my talent is natural. I think that’s the biggest thing that sets us apart, sans attire.”

B took a second to mull over his younger brother’s words, before:  
“You sound, excuse my language, pretty fucking gay.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re straight.” He shrugged. “At least I’m actually into my boyfriend because we’re compatible together: you just think Misora is hot and refuse to leave her alone, she’s just with you so you’ll leave her alone. I’d rather be pretty fucking gay than deal with that.” Near bit his tongue subtly- he was in too deep. It was almost as if he actually desired Mello romantically, which wasn’t possible. Despite whatever nonsense he had just told B, it wasn’t true. The overly compensating, competitive nature of Mello was everything that Near wasn’t, and he was fine with that. If the circumstances hadn’t put him in such a scenario, they would never work together or get along, because, simply put, he was too proud to work with someone like Near, even with himself willing. 

“Wow, I never thought about it like that.” He stared off blankly into the distance. “Probably because I don’t care, but… y’know. If Naomi didn’t want to be with me, she would leave, I suppose. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Truth be told, I don’t really want to be with her either.”  
___

Mello never apologized to Matt, as was in his nature, but he still found the redhead relaxed on his couch when he inevitably got home- surprisingly enough, before Misa.

“I know where your spare is, dude. By the way, you should probably find a better spot if you want to keep me out.” He shifted the cigarette from the left side of his mouth to the right, and Mello noticed that he wasn’t even smoking it: he was chewing on it, like some kind of fucking heathen. Still, he couldn’t stay even mildly pissed with Matt in that moment- he would never let anyone know, but he cared about him, a lot. 

“Yeah. Whatever.” He retorted, and walked across the small room smacked Matt on the back of the head, lightly this time, and sat next to him, resting his head on his shoulder.   
Eventually, he fell asleep, and it took Matt a solid twenty minutes to notice. He liked when Mello was closer with him, but he also liked it when Misa didn’t have any remarks about their friendship, so he abandoned him on the couch. The cot from the previous night had been disassembled, and Matt couldn’t give enough of a fuck to put it back up, so he instead passed out in Mello’s bed.

The sheets smelled like him, which was mostly vaguely of chocolate, and he wasn’t very comfortable, but he didn’t care. It made him slightly nostalgic, from the days where he would share the bed with Mello, when they were kids, and he had always somewhat missed it. But now that he was here, it dawned on him that there wasn’t anything to miss.

As Matt contemplated things sandwiched between Mello’s sheets, Misa decided it would finally be time to return home, and she, too, had picked up a guy from the sound of things. The door swung open, and he could hear her feminine giggles, and the stomps of her gothic boots could be heard from where Matt lay. 

“Oh, Light-kun.” She crowed loudly, and he was honestly surprised that Mello hadn’t been woken up by her shouting. “You’re so great.” He could see her in his mind’s eye, tracing up and down the shirt of… Light? It took a second for the name to process in his mind, but Matt knew exactly who she was talking about: Light Yagami, who was a year beneath her, top in his class, and had a girlfriend who was but a place behind him. 

He was attracted to intellect, no doubt, and to find him with someone like Misa was almost unthinkable. Matt wasn’t about being sexist, but she was an idiot. A straight (as he presumed), neurotypical, cis girl who didn’t know shit, never placed, and would have made it nowhere in life without her modeling career. Now that he thought about it, there was no reason for Light to be there, at all. He found it all very suspicious, but fell back onto the bed, and hoped they would come back to the room, so he could listen better.

The door creaked open, and Misa lead Light in by one hand, and sat nicely on her bed.

“See, Light-kun!” Matt found that in itself odd: yes, both of them were japanese, but Misa never used those terms. “I told you that we could come back here! Mello’s on the couch anyways.” Exhibit number two, she still simply called him by his name, instead of with any suffix attached.

“Actually, Misa-chan.” Light spoke audibly enough for Matt to hear for the first time since the odd encounter began. “There is someone in here.” He could now feel his gaze burning into him, through the sheets. It was deeply uncomfortable, and but the slightest amount of sweat began to trickle down his face in the dark, sliding down his pale face.

Light slowly approached Matt who, despite being slightly sweaty, passed very well for someone being asleep. He pulled the blankets off, and in even in the dark, he knew that Misa would be able to identify him by just his shirt alone, and his assumption was proven to be correct.

“Matt? What are you doing here? No, wait, let me guess, you’re so jealous of Mello and his new boyfriend that you broke in!” Misa exclaimed. For someone accusing him of breaking and entering, she seemed overly perky.

“It’s not like that,” Matt began, but he was cut off by words from the bastard himself.

“Mello has a boyfriend?” She nodded, giggling slightly as Light cocked an eyebrow. “Really? Who’s the… lucky guy?” The word ‘lucky’ was absolutely minced by his teeth, but all other parties were too tired to pick up on it.

“Near!” Misa grinned, disregarding everything about not outing them. “He’s the new kid.” True to her anime-idol self, she closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side ever so slightly, clearly hoping to be attractive to Light. From what Matt, in his tired as fuck state could tell, she was acting vaguely thotty. Again, with the casual sexism from him, he was probably high or something.

“Oh. Well, thanks for telling me.” With those as his parting words, he began out the door.

“No! Light-kun, come back! I can make him leave…” Misa chased after the little bitch boy she had brought home, and Matt, knowing that when she got back, his ass would be chewed out, tried to fall asleep as quickly as possible. But now, all of the sheets were mildly damp with sweat, so he honestly was all-around losing tonight, he supposed.

“Matt!” Misa screamed as she returned to the room. Internally, he winced, her squeaky voice grated on his ears. “How could you do that to me? Why are you even here?”

“You know as well as I do that Mells says that I can stay here whenever.” Now that he had to be awake, he pulled out a cigarette from his pocket. “And I didn’t want to set up the cot, or have to sleep on the fucking floor. Besides, you’re not here most of the time, and you never bring guys home.” She snatched the whole pack out of his hands. Like brother like sister- neither Misa nor Mello condoned smoking.

“Well excuuuuse me! He just up and left in the middle of dinner with his new boyfriend, so I thought he would be going there! Sometimes I want to bring people back here too.” With that, she sat down on the bed, crushing the box in her hands.

“Wait, he just… Left?” That was to be expected, but it hadn’t happened recently: Matt was hoping he had grown out of it by then. “So, you met him then? What do you think?” It became his turn to ask her the questions.

“Near? Yeah, I think he’s kinda cute. I think he actually is into him. Poor guy.” Misa remarked turning to look at him, still mildly pissed at Matt for his antics. “Hey, take off your fucking binder.”

“God, is it really your place to comment on that now?” He raised an eyebrow from behind his goggles.

“And those goggles too, Jesus Christ. You know I’m still mad at you, but I’m not going to let you ruin your ribs like that.” She pulled the goggles off his head a bit, and then snapped them back.

“Ow! Alright, fine. Maybe I want to break my ribs, huh? Take that into consideration.” He snapped, gesturing for her to get out. “Actually, no, give me one of Mello’s shirts. I need something for… containment.” Misa laughed, and tossed him a black shirt from the dresser before leaving the room.

Matt slipped out of his clothes and pulled the shirt on.

“Yo, Misa, do you care if I’m in my boxers?” He yelled through the door, fingers on the buttons of his pants. If he had to sleep, he might as well go the whole way.

“It’s better than watching you sleep in your stupid jeans!” She yelled back. Honestly, the walls were thin, and he was surprised that Mello hadn’t woken up to any of the noise. He must have been exhausted to be able to sleep through all of their bullshit. After seeing how he reacted to Near, it was only logical.

He opened the door, and Misa fell aty his feet; she had been sitting on the door.

“Shit!” She yet again yelled, and Matt sighed quietly. He was too exhausted for this.

“Aw, you’re still gonna sleep in Mello’s bed?” She laughed, waving around the cot she now held in her hands. “I knew you weren’t over him yet.”

“Okay, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we were never together. Also, I’m sick of that fucking thing. So yeah, I’m going to sleep in his bed.” His head was in his hands; Misa truly knew how to worm her way under someone’s skin. “Besides, we may both be gay, but trust me. I’m above that.” She stuck out her tongue at him, and set the cot on the floor. Matt really was kind of glad that he could sleep in an actual bed that night, even if it was Mello’s, and it was hard on his back, for some reason. It sucked, essentially.

“You know,” Misa began after a pause. “I’ve always wondered: why didn’t you and Mello get together?”

“Okay, first of all, I’ll disregard those implications, but I honestly don’t know.” Matt began, laying back with his arms behind his head, true to anime boy fashion. “We just didn’t fit romantically, and believe me, I wouldn’t want to make the first move on him. Besides, you saw his type.” He lied through his teeth, internally laughing.

“Huh.” She said quietly. “I always thought Mello would date you. First before either of you were out, and then you both are. And I’m like, well, they’re best friends, and he spends so much time here! And okay, I’m going to be completely honest with you, before this new kid showed up, I thought Mello would never find someone else. Since you’re not, and he’s with someone else, I find it weird that he’d discard your long-term friendship for some cute boy who, alright, I’m just going to say it, looks about twelve, when he had you all this time? So I just wanted to know if that was why, because I can’t see any reason for you guys to not be together.”

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “It’s come up before, but we’re just friends, and I can’t see it going past that.”

“Don’t worry!” Matt could feel her grin from across the room in the dark. “I’ll find a boyfriend for you myself. Even if you did fuck up my arrangements with Light-kun.”  
___

Mello woke up, much later than usual, to the doorbell ringing. He yelled for Misa to get it, because he was exhausted, but there was no response. After a long enough period of time, he went to the door himself, still tired, and slightly sloppy, in the same clothes as the night before. At the door was none other than his one-sided rival, Near himself.

“Hello, Mello. Since last night didn’t seem to go so great, I figured we could do some more today, just to really sell that we’re together.” He stated, matter of factly, twirling his hair between his fingers, looking away and then into his eyes directly.

“God, Near,” Mello began after a pause. “It’s almost as if you want this to be real. I mean, you did pretty much say you were in love with me last night.”

“No comment.” He smiled, which would have been cute if it wasn’t so unnatural. Mello had to take a second to think over what he was saying. He was surely fucking with him, right? There was no way that Near really would be into him, and even if he was, it wasn’t as if he felt the same feelings back. No, that wouldn’t even be a problem, because he was just messing with him, like when he placed above him with ease. 

Near did not like him romantically, and simply wanted to drive him crazy. Well, he decided with certainty, it takes two to play a game.

“Oh… I see.” He smirked slightly, still slightly bothered by Near. “What should we do?” Deciding that the best thing to do was to make a move, he took him by the arm and pulled him inside. The other boy reached behind him, and pulled the door shut behind him, and slammed against it, bringing Mello with him. He instantly dropped his arm and slightly backed away; it looked like Near would be winning this round.

“Come on, Mello, you’re not very good at this romance thing.” He looked away, and began playing with his hair again.

“At least I have some experience, which I presume you do not.” Mello shot back. “Besides, I don’t need to do anything with you while we’re alone. For someone so smart, I’m completely puzzled that you can’t seem to figure out that I’m only pretending to date you, because of something Matt slipped out.”

“While yes, you are correct, I think it would be good practice. I mean, you heard her. Have we kissed? No. But I’ve pretty much confessed that I am in love with you. Even if you don’t want to kiss me, we need some form of consistency, or something, because I can’t pretend to be with you if the story doesn’t make any sense, Mello.”

“Shut up, Near.”

“Make me. I’m the one helping you.”

“You really are determined to make this hard, huh? God, I hate Matt, I can’t believe he pulled this shit, and with someone like you, Near. It’s a shame, too, because you’re kind of cute, too, but now that I have to deal with you I realize that I couldn’t stand anyone like you.”

“I thought you couldn’t stand me anyways, because I’m smarter than you are, and we both know it.” He twirled a lock of his hair with his other hand. “But you think I’m cute? Thank you, you’re not bad yourself.” If he didn’t contain so much self-restraint, he would have been blushing.

Mello himself was red, initially from the compliment, but it quickly turned to anger. 

“Holy shit, you’re insufferable” With that, Near knew he had won, and marked this as the second victory out of what would surely soon be many. “Okay, just sit here or something. I have to get changed, and also keep myself from beating your face in.” He obliged, and as soon as Mello slipped into the room he shared with Misa, he could hear the beginnings of an argument.

When Mello entered the room, he found Matt lying on his bed, in his shirt, playing on his own shitty 3Ds.

“What the fuck?” He nearly yelled, asking nothing. “Matt, what are you doing?” 

“You know,” The red haired boy replied, sitting up and stretching. “This bed fucking sucks, Mells. Also, sorry, Misa let me sleep here, and gave me this shirt.” He lied through his teeth, not really caring if his best friend could figure out if he was telling the truth or not.

“I can’t deal with this right now. You know what, screw this.” He grabbed Matt’s shirt off the ground, and tossed his binder at him. “Near is here.” 

For whatever reasons, they were the same size, so Mello and Matt simply wore the other’s shirts for the duration of that day. Near remained in his pajamas, or whatever his typical outfit could be called. He immediately identified that they were both in the wrong clothes when both returned to the room.

“So, Mello, you’re cheating on me already?” He half asked, with no hint of a question in his voice. Matt choked up laughing, while the blonde smacked him.

“He was wearing my shirt, and I thought it would only be fair. Here, if you’d like to join in on the fuckfest.” He tossed the large, black jacket he had been wearing at the smaller boy. Near cocked an eyebrow, but put it on nonetheless. It was clearly too big for him, considering their height difference, but it was rather soft and comfortable, for something made in its entirety of leather. He ran his hands across the material, feeling the jacket, which was mildly warm from being worn for a little bit.

“Wow,” Matt said, once Mello had sat down next to Near. “You two almost look like a real couple.”

“Are we not?” He asked, and Mello could tell without looking that Near was smiling at him.

“Aw, you are?” He clapped his best friend on the back, standing over the two of them. “Atta boy Mells. Gay rights and all that.”

___

Near found himself on yet another date- this time, a true practice, without Misa there to interfere. Coffee had seemed most logical to both parties, though neither had the balls not heart to tell the other that they weren’t particularly fond of it. He didn’t like the excessive energy it gave him; it made it difficult to keep his composure about him, and Mello simply hated the bitter taste.

Matt had tried to tag along, but to no avail.

“Come on, Mells, I could really do with some coffee.” He frowned when the two began to leave on their own.

“And I could do without your third-wheeling. Go get some yourself.” 

“I’m broke and you know it.” Matt pouted, relaxing back on the couch to play his games. God, Near wondered if he ever did anything but sit on Mello’s couch and play games. He shuddered to think of himself spending that much time with him, even if they were growing closer.

___

The coffee shop was almost comforting to Mello, even if he was there with Near. They still held hands, as practice: no more and no less.

“Alright…” Near began, leading him over to sit before they could order. “I feel bad for not saying something sooner. Mello, I’m going to be completely honest with you.” 

“Yes, babe?” He cocked an eyebrow, and slid into the booth across from him. Near shook ever so slightly, and he had to contain himself from turning a shade of red.

“Don’t call me that. Also, I hate coffee.” Mello let out a sigh of relief, as he had been expecting nothing other than Near calling off the fake relationship or something of that nature.

“Why not? Don’t tell me you’re actually into it.” He shot back. “I hate to agree with you, but I fucking hate coffee too.”

“Okay, so we both hate coffee. What now?” He asked, beginning to twirl his hair yet again.

“Hey, cut that out.” The blonde glared. “It’s distracting.” It was, at least to him, watching Near spin his soft hair around his fingers. He almost wondered what it would be like to do that himself, but he didn’t want to think that far, he didn’t want to feel anything towards Near.

“How so?” He inquired. “Oh, never mind. I just remembered that you think I’m attractive.” Mello had to resist the urge to yell at him, shut him up, but that wasn’t very romantic. Instead, he decided to do what he came to do, and played along.

“Yeah, that’s right.” He reached out a hand and began to run it through his rival’s hair. In truth, he didn’t need to pretend to enjoy it, but that was besides the point. Near didn’t shy away, like he had whenever Misa came near him, but instead placed his hand on Mello’s.

Just when he thought he had the upper hand, Near managed to pull something to show him up. They had touched hands multiple times before, as expected, but this was the only time Mello felt anything behind it, and he turned red and looked away. A third win for Near, he thought, pulling back his hand, and he was still at nothing.

“So… Do you want anything? It feels odd to come here and not order.” Near broke the silence without a hint of embarrassment in his voice, lack of social skills for once saving the conversation.

“I’ll get some hot chocolate.” Mello mumbled, both pissed and recovering. 

“Okay, get me some too.” 

He wouldn’t, and returned to their table with one singular cup. Near looked him dead in the eyes, pale gray meeting blue, before he took the cup from his hands, taking a short sip. He placed it back into Mello’s hands before he had time to react, only commenting:

“Right, we should share it.”

No, he wanted to say, we shouldn’t. But they were in a public place, and this was his boyfriend, regardless of how fake the relationship was. He took a sip, and he could almost hear Matt mocking him in his head, saying they had indirectly made out. 

Near marked a fourth victory over him, and Mello was practically seething, though he said nothing, shoving the cup back over towards him. It toppled over, pouring its contents all over the table, and Near’s white pants.

He once again made direct eye contact with him, and he simply pulled Mello’s jacket off his shoulders, and tied it around his waist. Neither made a motion to clean up the table, but he stood up and slid onto the same side as him.

“Hey, don’t ruin my jacket.” Mello protested.

“You spilled the hot chocolate on me... I think you burned my dick off, Mello, so it’s only fair that I can cover up with your jacket.” He shook his head, white hair trailing across his face in strands, taking a few napkins and simply letting them soak up the spilled drink.

“What, do you want me to suck you off or something, kiss it better?” Mello glared, and Matsuda and Sayu, who had been approaching their table, burst into laughter behind them, causing them both to turn around in their seats.

“So, Mello, this maybe be a bad time, but I can assume he’s the new boyfriend?” Matsuda asked, between giggles. “Light told us everything.”

“Light? Light Yagami?” He raised an eyebrow. “How does he know?” 

“Misa-Misa told him.” Sayu said, trying not to choke. “Say, isn’t she your sister?” 

She was, Mello thought, trying to save his anger for the next time he saw her. Near, who was still there and somewhat confused, decided that then would be the time to speak up.

“So,” He elbowed Mello lightly. “Going to introduce me to your friends?”

“Matsuda.” He said, pointing at him. “And Sayu.” His finger shifted over to her. “They’re not my friends, either.” He sat and turned around, pulling Near down with him, forcing him to face the back of his seat.

“Aw, come on, Mello, you sound emo.” Matsuda laughed at his expense yet again, and slid into the seat across from the two of them. “Ew... It’s all damp.” This made him smile half-heartedly, while Sayu shoved him over, and slid in next to him.

“Ah.” Near began. “So it’s a double date now?” Sayu made a face, and so did Matsuda.

“No, he’s not my type at all. I prefer guys under thirty.” Sayu grinned.

“Yeah, and I prefer girls who are smart.” Matsuda fired back after a pause.

“Hey!” Sayu turned to him. “Just ‘cause I ask Light to help with my homework sometimes doesn’t mean I’m stupid!”

“Just because I ask Light to help with my homework sometimes doesn’t mean I’m stupid!” He mocked, directly facing Sayu. This provided Near and Mello with an opportunity to leave, but Sayu caught up with them first.

“Where are you two going?” She pointed a finger at them accusingly. 

“I… We… Were just going to…” Mello stuttered, already upset that news that he was “dating” Near was already spreading. 

“We wanted to go make out.” Near plainly stated, as if it was a fact of life.  
___

Misa came back that morning, as her schedule was so terrible, there was never a consistent time for when she should or would be home. Expecting her brother, and planning to apologize, she was more than disappointed to see Matt by himself on the couch.

“What are you doing here?” She put one foot down strongly.

“Never left.” He shrugged, playing his game as if there had been no Misa at all. The blonde girl scoffed, and sat herself down next to him with a plop.

She took out her phone, opened Netflix, and began to watch an episode of none other than Hunter x Hunter. That caught Matt’s attention, and he paused the Zelda game he had been playing for hours.

“You watch Hunter x Hunter?” He said, nearly incredulous.

“Yep!” Misa grinned, looking up from her phone, where Gon and Killua were stalking the Phantom Troupe. “I found it the other day, someone at work recommended it to me? It’s not my usual style, but I like it, Killua is my favourite.”

“Of course he is. But anyways, Kurapika kinda reminds me of Mello. Something about the angry gay blonde just clicks.” Matt commented offhandedly.

“If he’s Kurapika, then you’re Leorio.” She stuck out her tongue at him in a teasing, but not mean way, though by comparing him to Leorio, she wasn’t being nice.

“Shut up.” Matt hit her over the head with a pillow. “I thought we were friends.”

“Aw, so I’m finally your friend and not just Mello’s big sister? I’m flattered.” She giggled, promptly before hitting him back.

**Author's Note:**

> wow okay! this is just something small i’ve been working on for a little while ^___^
> 
> sorry for errors i don’t have a beta & also it’s 12 and i wrote this listening to caramelldansen. i prob won’t update this frequently OR regularly because i am bad at managing time.


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